Guilt Ridden
by GraceKerr-author4life
Summary: Takes place after the third book and before they join the Black Swan(oops sorry that's a spoiler) Sophie's mind breaks, can Fitz save her? I ship Sofitz just saying okay, so there will be that. and I don't care if he's older, it's love!
1. Chapter 1

FITZ

I walk into the telepathy session expecting to work with Sophie but instead I find her almost dead. She's on the ground in a heap blood pouring out of her wrists. There's s note on the wall in front of me I ignore it. I race to Sophie's side.

"Come on Sophie wake up! Don't leave. You can't go." I mutter holding her wrists to stop the bleeding. Tigren, our mentor, comes into the room.

He takes the sight in and yells, "I'll get Elwin! Don't move!" He runs out of the room. I sigh heavily holding Sophie steady as I try to stop the bleeding.

"Sophie you're going to be okay. I promise, you'll be okay. I got you." I whisper a few tears dripping down my cheeks. If only I was here early I could have saved her. Or if I had followed her when she left lunch early I could have done something. Elwin comes running through the door followed closely behind by Tigren. Elwin collapses in front of Sophie. He stops the bleeding on her wrists and pours several elixirs down her throat.

"She lost a lot of blood and I don't see anything else wrong. Let's move her to the healing center and Fitz, better grab that note." He says picking Sophie up. Tigren helps with Elwin and Sophie's bags. I grab my bag and pick the note off the wall. We arrive at the healing center. Elwin puts Sophie in her bed and asks me to read the note. Sitting beside Sophie so I can be there for her I look at the note for the first time and my blood runs cold.

""We had a nice talk then she dropped. When she did we slit her wrist. When I say we I mean me, the boy who disappeared."" I finish the words sinking in.

"The boy who disappeared?" Elwin asks.

"Alvar." I whisper. My big brother stupidly joined the Neverseen and now I hate him. No one can hurt Sophie and get away with it.

"Edaline and Grady." I say looking at Tigren.

"I'll go get Alden and Della and they can help me tell Edaline and Grady. Elwin go get Dex, Keefe, and Biana. When the hour is up, Fitz make sure Sophie wakes up and takes this. She will wake up." Tigren says glancing at Elwin.

"If everything is okay then she will wake up when the hour is up, so in twenty minutes." Elwin says as they both disappear. I sit down beside Sophie. She's going to wake up. Nothing will be wrong. I reach for her hand, hoping that she'll be all right. The clock chimes the end of the hour. I watch Sophie, watching for her to wake up. I wait ten minutes my mind reeling but she still doesn't wake up. Picking up the note again I read the first line.

That's when it dawns on me.


	2. Chapter 2

Alvar talked to Sophie first then she collapsed.

"No. No no no no. No. Sophie, you have the be all right." I run to her side and place my fingers on her temple. I'm one of two people who can get past Sophie's impenetrable mind. I go deep into her mind only to find scattered torn pictures. The jagged edges of memories hit me as I go deeper. I try to transmit to her. She can't be gone.

 _"Sophie, please!"_ I transmit one last time before I have to retreat so I don't get pulled under. I stagger away from Sophie's side. Panting from the mental strength it took to get in her mind, I look at Sophie with devastation. Then anger breaks into my system. Pure rage. I fling the chair beside me against the wall. My anger and grief and helplessness clouds my judgment as I break the wooden chairs in the room. My brother Alvar did this. Sophie gave in to guilt. I could have stopped it.

"Ugh!" I scream finally sitting down beside Sophie in the only chair I left unharmed. "Why did this have to happen to you? After everything why you?" I whisper as more tears stream down my face.

"Fitz, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Elwin shakes my shoulders and flashes bright orbs around my face. He stops when everything is physically fine. I look behind him to see Dex, Keefe, and my sister Biana sitting in the other room waiting.

"Her mind. Her mind is broken." I whisper sinking back into my chair trying not to break down. A second later Edaline, Grady, my dad Alden and my mom Della come running in followed by Tigren. Elwin looks at them heartbreakingly.

"What happened? What's wrong?" Grady and Edaline rush over to Sophie.

"Fitz. What happened?" My dad steps closer to me, making it hard to breathe. I look at Grady and Edaline. Taking a deep steadying breath I start to explain.

"She left lunch early because she had to get a book from her locker that she forgot. But when I went up to telepathy session she was on the ground bleeding out. But Elwin fixed that so she's okay there. But then when the sedatives wore off and she didn't wake up I knew something was wrong. I went into her mind and ... and it was...broken." I choke out. Edaline breaks down in tears and Grady holds her crying himself. Everyone else is in shock.

"Are you sure?" My mom asks me.

"I know Sophie. The note I found said that they talked. I know Alvar, the boy who disappeared, told her all these things to make her guilty. Now Sophie would have been angry but then when Alvar left she would have believed everything and guilt won that fight. Then Alvar came back vanished and slit her wrists. Her mind broke because of guilt." I finish closing my eyes. "After everything it was guilt." I whisper. Everyone is in shocked silence as we all listen to Sophie's parent's sob. Then Dex, Keefe, and Biana come bursting into the room. I try to hide my tear stained face.

"Okay. Something is seriously wrong. I can feel the sorrow and regret and devastation from outside. What happened?" Keefe asks trying to hide his emotions.

"Come out side and we'll fill you in." My mom and dad lead the three of them out of the room. I can hear them explaining and then the shock of my friends. Keefe bursts into the room with Dex right behind. They both look devastated and broken. Biana comes into the room sobbing. She clings to our mother while she sobs. Dex goes over to Edaline and Grady. He starts crying. Keefe just stands in the middle of the room looking helplessly from me to Sophie and back again. I don't know how long we all stood there in our own tears and sorrow but we stood there for a while. Finally Grady breaks the silence.

"We're going to put her in her bed and hope for the best." Edaline nods. Elwin starts to say something but stops when he sees my dads glare. I know what he's trying to say. Grady and Edaline lost a daughter and they just got Sophie so they aren't willing to let go so easily. They grab a hold of Sophie, hugging her.

"Elwin. Come and help us, please. We need the sedatives." Edaline says stiffly, her voice desperate. Elwin grabs Sophie's hand and they all light leap away. My mom and my sister announce that they're going home, my sister is still crying.

I look at Tigren when he says; "I will go talk to Master Leto." And then he runs off, without another word. Alden looks at me and we have a silent understanding. I would go to Havenfeild to fulfill the idea my dad sees in my eyes.

"Time to get you boys home. Dex, tell your family. Keefe, I'd like you not to tell your family if that's good with you. We should keep this hush-hush until I talk to the council." Alden grabs Keefe and Dex's arms and they leap away.

I run to the leap master thing, call Havenfeild,

and arrive to screaming.


	3. Chapter 3

Looking around I see no one outside but inside I can hear crashing items and screaming, Sophie's screaming. I run inside and meet Sandor, Sophie's goblin/bodyguard.

"Mr. Vacker I will let Lady Ruweena know you are here. Please wait on the couch. " He disappears up the stairs. I can't sit or I'll go crazy. I pace the floor trying to figure out how to voice my plans.

"Fitz?" Edaline comes through. She looks at me in shock.

"I think, I hope, that maybe I can save her. I'm her cognate and she's mine. I can breach her impenetrable mind and maybe I can reach her. But I-I need your permission." I rush through my words my desperation really showing. Edaline bites her lip thinking.

"If it's a chance let's take it." She says grabbing my wrist and pulling me up the stairs. I follow her into Sophie's room. Elwin and Grady are there pouring a sedative down Sophie's throat as she starts to thrash around again. Edaline explains my plan. I can tell Elwin is on board with it but Grady looks a little spectacle.

"It's a chance Grady, please. We can't lose her." Edaline whispers. Grady nods, looking at Sophie's pale face.

"Okay Fitz, you can stay here as long as you need to help her. J-Just try you're hardest and please, please bring our daughter back to us." Grady stares me in the eye. I can see his desperation, his sorrow, and his pain. Edaline leads him out of the room.

"Let them rest. We're all going to need it." Elwin says softly, like he knows I wanted to go after them. I nod stiffly.

"I'll wait downstairs. Call me if anything happens." Elwin leaves a few sedatives on the bedside table, then leaves. I watch Sandor in the corner of the room. He gives me a nod. I turn away and face Sophie. Her hair is messy and her eyes are closed. She's pale. Her face glistens with sweat. When I place my hand on her hand, it's as cold as ice.

Bottling my courage I place my fingers on her temple and sit besides her. Then I enter her mind. It's an ocean of jagged edges. Her memories are breaking much slower then the normal person. I can see the jagged memory of her and I in telepathy session. I will myself not to retreat and go deeper. She always said she followed a trail of warmth. I go searching and searching for this warmth dodging all of her jagged memories. It's easier not to get pulled under in Sophie's mind because her memories are breaking so slowly. I push myself so far into her head that I feel a glimpse of the warmth she always talks about when she heals minds. I follow it. It gets stringer every second I'm in her mind. I come to a stop in front of a blinding light. Forcing myself not to be scared I go forward. I come out to a beach like area. Looking left and right I see Sophie. She's walking towards me. I run towards her and engulf her in a hug.

"I found you!" I say twisting her around. She smiles at me.

"Fitz!" She hugs me.

"How do I save you?" I ask becoming serious. She looks down at the ground.

"We need to merge memories." She says quietly.

"What?" I ask confusion spreading across my face.

"I need to send you my memories and you need to send me your memories. All of them." She says looking me in the eye.

"But...I don't know how to do that." I stutter. I can't let her down but what if I mess it up even worse.

"Fitz, don't worry. It's not as hard as it seems." She takes me hand and gives me an encouraging smile. I'm the one who's supposed to be comforting her and helping her, but she's helping me. What kind of hero am I?

"Look Fitz. You can only be here for a certain amount of time and your time is almost up. I need you to memorize the trail you followed. Then in about two hours you might be able to come back. But you have to go now. Go Fitz!" She yells as I fight to stay but a current pulls me out of the space and through the light. Then I'm soaring out of Sophie's head and being thrown to the floor because of the pressure. Dazed I sit up. Sandor is standing above me.

"Are you all right? You almost burned up!" He helps me sit besides Sophie.

"I-I'm fine. How long was I in there?" I ask staring at Sophie.

"A while. I'd say about thirty minutes." A new voice comes from the doorway. Looking up I expect to see Elwin but instead I see my dad.

"Hi." I say softly.

"How ya doing son?" He comes over to me.

"Fine. At least I know how to fix her." I say. He smiles.

"You can fix her? I knew you could. How?" He pats me on the back.

"I'm not sure exactly but Sophie says there is a way. I spoke to her for a few minutes." I explain. My dad looks like he figured out a clue.

"So that's why you were whispering to yourself!" He stands up.

"Well, I'm going to go tell Elwin the good news. You should get some sleep." He walks out of the room. I sit in the chair for a bit.

"He's right. You need some sleep." Sandor says. He lifts me onto Sophie's bed and puts a spare blanket over me. Sophie is on one side under the actual covers and I'm on the other side on top of the cover but under a spare blanket. I fall asleep quickly, loosing myself in my dreams.


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up to someone shaking my shoulders.

"Fitz! Fitz! Wake up!" Someone is shouting. I bolt up, trying to get out of the grip that holds me down.

"Fitz! It's okay! It's okay!" Someone shouts. As my vision comes into focus I stop struggling, realizing it's Elwin whose holding me down.

"Elwin? What happened? How long have I been out?" I ask glancing out of Sophie's window. It's light out, like midday.

"You've been asleep for two days, Fitz. Two days! You have no idea how worried we've all been." Elwin contains his nervousness and excitement as he checks me over.

"Elwin. Elwin! I'm fine. I need to go back into Sophie's mind. She's okay right?" I ask looking over at her pale, clammy face.

"She's fine. But she's struggling. Can you really save her?" Elwin nods at all the empty sedative bottles.

"How's Edaline and Grady?" I ask Elwin, trying to see the last two days.

"They're okay... Still worrying. We all are." I nod.

"Look, I need to go back into her head. I need to save her." I say getting up and going to Sophie's side.

"No! You'll pass out again. Wait a bit, rest. Sophie can wait a bit longer, okay?" Elwin moves forward.

"I have to help her! I have to save her, not just for her but for others." I yell, trying to get through my desperation.

"You. Need. To. Rest." Elwin pulls me away from Sophie.

"No! Elwin, let me save her. I'll be in and out. I just have to make sure she's okay!" I pull away and go to Sophie. Elwin tries to pull me away but I get to her first. I place my fingers on her temple and go into her mind, through the little slip meant  
for me and Mr. Forkle.

"Fitz!" Elwin shouts as I go into Sophie's mind. Her mind is a sea of chaos. Scattered pictures rage around me. I see some from her imagination and some from her memories. The pictures are jagged and broken. I follow the trail I took yesterday and find  
myself in the bright light. I push through to the beach. Sophie is walking, starring at the ocean. I know it's just in her mind but it looks so real. Sophie sees me and starts running. I hold out my arms. She leaps into my arms. I swing her around.

"You're okay! I thought something bad had happened to you!" She shrieks as I set her down.

"I'm fine. Are you okay? What's happened?" I ask her.

"Never mind that. You need to merge our memories." She says grabbing my arms.

"But I don't know how to do that! Sophie, how do I do that?" I say trying to understand how she wants me to do this.

"You have to push your memories into my head. You have to be inside my head but not here, with the jagged memories. Latch onto the one our first meeting. Then push every memory you have into my head. It will be draining, so you'll have to rest. Then when  
your ready come back here and I'll do that same thing from right here." She explains. I nod. I look at Sophie.

"Will this work?" I ask softly. She nods, looking so determined. I nod. Suddenly I feel the pushing sensation. I'm picked up and thrown out of Sophie's head. I pull out of her mind. I fall back into the bed, totally exhausted.

"Fitz! THAT WAS IRRESPONSIBLE. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HER HEAD FOR FOUR HOURS. WE WERE SO WORRIED." Elwin shouts shinning lights in my face. I'm about to say something when my father burststhrough the room.

"You're okay!" He shouts coming to my side. I fall onto my back. My eyes start to close and I can feel myself drifting.

"Wait, don't go to sleep. Not yet." Elwin says loudly. His voice starts to fade.

My eyes close and the world ceases to exist.


	5. Chapter 5

Almost as suddenly as I feel asleep I wake up to a burst of voices. Many people surround me, talking all at once. Before I can fully open my eyes, I catch snip-its of the conversation.

"Is he okay?"

"When will he wake up?"

"What happened?"

"Sophie's going at it again!"

Then I hear a sudden high pitched scream. I struggle to open my eyes, struggle to move, struggle to talk. But I can't. I feel so drained, so exhausted. I start losing consciousness as the energy to even focus on breathing leaves me. The screams and shouts  
start to fade as I drift away.

 _pause_

I wake again. The energy that had left me earlier slowly returns. I feel my strength returning. It's easier to breathe. I slowly open my eyes. I can feel strength surge though me. I sit up and look around. The empty sedative bottles are gone, replaced  
with a few new full bottle. Sophie lies still next to me. Her face is pale and sweaty. Her blonde hair is matted to her forehead. Elwin isn't around but his isbag right next to the bedside table.

"How are you feeling? Should I get Elwin?" Sandor asks making me jump. I turn to him. He looks bleary eyed. He looks exhausted. I wonder if Goblins ever sleep?

"I'm fine. How long have I been out? How is every one?" I ask getting to my feet. Sandor comes forward and grabs my arm.

"You've been out for two days again. Everyone's been on edge. Sophie's been getting worse. The sooner you can save her the better." Sandor says releasing my arm as I pull away. I nod and open Sophie's door. The hall is deserted. I retreat back into the  
room and close the door silently. I turn to Sandor with a serious look.

"I'm going back into Sophie's mind. If I fall unconscious again don't tell them I was awake now." I say. Sandor starts to protest. "Please don't try and stop me, I'll do it any way." I shrug. Sandor looks at me with calculated eyes.

"Fine. I won't say a word unless your life is in danger." Sandor says letting me sit besides Sophie. I walk up to the bed and sit cross-legged next to Sophie. I put my fingers to her temple and get ready to enter her mind. I take a deep breathe.

"Wish me luck." I mutter entering her mind. I remember what Sophie said to me. I need to find her jagged memory of our first meeting. Then...then she said I needed to latch onto the memory. How I am going to do that? After I latch to the memory I have  
to...to give her all of my memories. How in the flipping world was I to do that? This is going to be ridiculously hard.

"I need help..." I mutter as I start searching for that memory. I urge my conscious to avoid the jagged memories while trying to find that special memory. I will myself to stop between memories that look familiar. After what feel like hours of looking  
I finally find it. I see the jagged edges showing my facein the museum. I reach out with my consciouses 'hand' and try to grab the jagged pieces of the memory. After several attempts I finally find my consciouses attached to the memory. Other  
memories by-pass me with out pulling me down. It's like I'm connected to the memory. I see myself through Sophie's eyes. I can feel her panic increasing. I can see the way she evaluates me, trying to decide if she should stay with the quieted voices  
or go to her class to avoid me. I see this over and over again, trying to decide how to send all of my memories to her. I try to summon every memory to push them into Sophie's head.

Suddenly I feel something starting to pull out my memories. Each of my memories are pulled into the memory. I see my whole life, every minute of it, pass through my consciousness then into hermemory. Once I see the end of my memories I don't feel  
any different. I feel tired and drained. The memory pushesme away. I try to follow the path back to Sophie. But I'm propelled out of her head. I fall back onto the bed.

The last thing I see before everything goes black is Sandor's face above mine.

"You were steaming! What happened? I'm calling Elwin!" He shouts.

Then everything goes black.


	6. Chapter 6

I wake again to voices all around me. Sitting up slowly I blink the light out of my eyes. The voices stop. I open my eyes to see four face hovering around me. Elwin flashes bright orbs around my face, my dads face looms over mine, worry written all over  
it. Grady and Sandor are a little ways back, with slightly happy expressions. After Elwin goes into a rant and checks me over, my dad goes into a rant. When they calm down Grady turns to me with a big smile.

"She's stopped struggling, now she's just sleeping." He says cheerfully.

"That's great! H-how long have I been asleep?" I ask turning to my father.

"Almost four days." My dad answers touching my arm. I nod. We're all quiet for a while.

"I need to go back. I've been away too long." I say reaching for Sophie. My dad grabs my arms and holds me back.

"No. Absolutely not." My dad says sternly.

"I have to or she won't wake up." I say trying to push him away.

"The last time you went into her head you came out steaming and shaking. So no you can not go back, not for a while." Elwin says flashing another orb in my eyes.

"I have to go back!" I screech. "I'll be quick. This part is easy!" I plead. Elwin shakes his head.

"What happened? What steps have you been taken? What have you seen?" Grady asks coming closer.

"I can't tell you. I need to go back. I have to go back. Or she won't. Wake. Up." I say strongly standing up. My dad lets me go. I lungefor Sophie and touch my fingers to her temples and slip into her mind.

"No! Fitz!" Several voice yell. I slip into Sophie's mind and find her in the ocean space.

"Sophie!" I say running forward. She hugs me laughing.

"I didn't know you fell out of a tree and broke your arm when your were younger!" She cackles with laughter. I smirk.

"Well now I get your memories." I say grinning back at her.

"Yeah yeah, come here." She says placing her fingers on my forehead. She closes her eyes. I feel her go deep into my mind, latching on to the memory where we first met. I feel suddenly cold and tired. Images, memories that aren't mine race through my  
head. And then they are all there as clear as ever. So this is what it's like to have a photographic memory. I see everything from Sophies life. I see her way of living and I understand the human world. Then she pulls away and were staring at each  
other with the others memories. I open my eyes back in the Sophies bedroom. No one is standing around us. But Sophies awake. She's sitting up ad smiling at me. I smile at her and hug her tight.

"You're awake!" I exclaim. Sandor bursts through the door.

"They are both awake!" Sandor calls. We hear footsteps come running. Grady and Edaline burst through, hugging Sophie with all their strength. My dad and my mom come towards me hugging me tight. Elwin pushes them away and starts examiningus.

"You have two very eager friends waiting to come and see you, may they come in?" Elwin asks. Sophie and I nod. The adults clear out leave Sandor.

"We were so worried! Thank god you are all right!" Dex, Keefe and Biana rush in hugging us both.

"I'm okay. We're okay." Sophie says smiling brightly. I smile too, holding on to Biana.

"She's right. We're great." I say calmly.

"So what happened?" Dex asks holding onto Sophies shoulder. Sophies face darkens.

"I'm fine." Sophie says quietly.

"I can feel your regret and anger... And, and...guilt. Sophie, no get rid of the guilt." Keefe says strongly.

"I'm fine. None of that exists anymore. I'm not talking about it. What happened, happened in the past." Sophie says darkly.

"But you can't feel guilt. Sophie talk to us." Keefe argues.

"No. I will not talk about this. Please, please no more questions." Sophie responds clenching her eyes tight.

"It'll be okay." I say grabbing ahold of her hand. Biana grabs her other hand.

"Things will just go back to normal. Please don't worry about me, okay? I'm fine." She says strongly.

"Okay Sophie. But we're here for you." I say squeezing her fingers tight.


	7. Chapter 7

"Sophie, I know you don't want to talk about it but I have to ask you something." I say sitting up and turning to Sophie in the darkness. She get's up and pulls back her shades, letting the moonlight in. Elwin is making me stay here tonight so he can make sure we're both all right.

"What is it?" Sophie says sitting back down. She looks different. More mature, but unsteady. I shift nervously, afraid of how she'll react. Will she answer my question? Or will she shoot me down?

"How did I fix you? How did I make heal your mind?" I ask confusion spreading to every part of me. Sophie relaxes the tension going out of her body. What did she think I was going to ask her? I watch her. She's thinking. Her eyebrows knit in concentration. Her mouth does a little frown.

"Well I'm different. But you all ready knew that, horse DNA and stuff." She starts holding Ella tight to her chest. I nod.

"But I don't care about the DNA. You're still Sophie." I say just to make her feel better. She nods and goes on.

"Well, my mind is impenetrable. Unless you know the 'secret way' to get in like you and Mr. Forkle. Well, Mr. Forkle could have healed my mind too, but I had rather you do it." She explains. But i'm still confused. "Since my mind is different i guess I automatically knew to go into the void to keep my consciousness safe. I did some thinking there and I came up with the idea that merging memories would teach you how to do it. So by putting your memories into my mind I could put my memories into your mind. Then you would know how to heal me. Since I all ready led you to that place, when I merged my memories with yours the push propelled you back. Then I was able to latch on to you and you pulled me through. As we came back my memories came together again with the help of your memories." She talks fast. It's still confusing but I get it a little bit more.

"So you remember everything I remember?" I ask pausing. She nods.

"And you remember everything I remember. Since I have a photographic memory that's a lot so sorry if it causes any headaches or anything." She says shrugging.

"It'll be fine. This won't be awkward right?" I ask hoping we can still be good friends.

"Of course won't. As long as you're cool with it then I'm good." She smiles. I smile back. We sit for a bit staring at the moon, sitting side by side on the edge of her bed. I dread my next question but I have to ask. I have to know.

"Sophie... why did your mind break? What made you so guilty that it broke your mind?" I ask softly. Sophie grows tense, one hand tightening on Ella, the other squeezing her knee. I put my hand over her hand on her knee, to help her relax. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me." I say softly and quickly. I just don't want it to happen again. We sit for a bit in silence. Then she sighs. She pauses and I know she's trying to draw courage so I squeeze her hand.

"Alvar came to talk to me and well we talked and I realized a few things. I guess it was too overwhelming to take it all in that I couldn't handle it. I remember him laughing as my mind went blank. I remember the feeling of shattering. Then I remember the beach." She says looking away from me, talking softly, as if talking too loud would wake the guilt up again.

"What did he say to you? If you want to answer..." I add. She doesn't speak for a few minutes and I think I've pushed it when she sighs again.

"He just told me what has happened and what is happening in the human and the elf worlds. Most of the terror and destruction in the elf worlds has been by me. This all started when I showed up. It's all my fault. The deaths and the accidents, it's all been me." She says her voice cracking. I turn her to look at me.

"No. This is not your fault. Our world was damaged before you got here. You brought the problem to our attention and now we can save it. You've done more then anyone. You've been through more then anyone. This is not your fault." I say strongly looking her dead in the eye. "Got it? This isn't your fault." I say one more time.

"Got it." She hugs me. I hug her back. How could she think this is her fault? It's not her fault. It's not fair that she's been through so much. It's not fair for her to think this is her fault.

"It's not your fault." I say one last time for good measure.


End file.
